Lost Chances: What Should Have Been
by Maren
Summary: Giles reflects over his past, and thinks about what could have been...


Title: Lost Chances: What Should Have Been

Author: [dreamscape@rols1.net][1]

Feedback: Yes! Please!!!!

Rating: PG-13

Distribution: Ask and you shall receive…..

Disclaimer: Yeah, yeah, we all know that these characters don't belong to me. They belong to Joss and….and whoever else they belong to. 

Summary: Part of a series. Pre season 4. Giles reflects over the past and what could have been.

Rupert Giles sat in his leather chair with a cup of tea and an old musty book that he had just gotten. It was a rare book in Latin that he had special ordered from an online bookstore. It was the first time he had ever ordered anything over the internet, and he had to grudgingly admit that he was pleased with the results. Maybe, just maybe he'd go surfing on that…machine a bit more often.

__

Ah, Jenny. You'd be so proud of me. Rupert thought fondly to himself, letting his thoughts wander to the dark haired gypsy woman that he had once….

__

No, don't go there Rupert. He thought, shaking himself out of the thoughts that would lead to nothing but sadness and regret. He never allowed himself to think of her anymore. It was just too hard. Why do it when it would do no good? Thinking of Jenny would not bring her back. It would not turn back time to let him fix his mistakes, and change the course of reality. No, it would only make him sink into a depression that he knew only too well.

Feeling restless now that he had brushed the brink of that course of thought, Rupert stood up, putting the book aside. He wandered aimlessly throughout the flat, looking, searching for something to distract him. He wandered into the kitchen and poured himself a fresh cup of tea. Rupert stared down at the tea for a moment, and scowled. He picked up the cup and threw the contents of it into the sink, and started to where he kept his liquor. He needed a drink tonight. A real drink.

After he had poured and drank three glasses, he felt rather woozy. But he didn't feel any better, and his mind was still trying NOT to think about Jenny. He silently cursed to himself. _What is wrong with you Rupert? Why do you get this way?_ Sighing, Rupert wandered into the kitchen and his eyes fell on the phone.

He stood there in the doorway for a moment, pondering. Then, finally, he made a decision and strode to the phone. He picked it up, and quickly dialed a number he now long knew by heart. His heart pounded in his chest as the phone rang. _This will work. I know it will…_

The other line picked up. "Hello? Olivia?" Rupert spoke into the phone? "I'm fine, just fine. I was just wondering what you were doing tonight…?"

**********

Many hours later….he didn't know how long it had been, Rupert lay in bed, the sheets covering his lower half, his bare chest heaving from the workout. He lay as still as he could, feeling slightly guilty for what he had just done.

Rupert slowly turned his head and looked at the now-sleeping woman lying next to him. True, he did feel affection for Olivia, but he didn't love her. And now he had gone and done something that he couldn't take back. _I won't regret it. I won't._ He thought determinedly, quickly but smoothly getting up from bed and pulling his pants on. _There are too many regrets already Rupert. Too many._ Hopefully Olivia wouldn't take this night for something it wasn't. It was their first night together, but they had never made any commitments to each other, never said that it was something more. It had just happened. Certainly that wasn't what he had been expecting when he called Olivia on the phone, was it? No, or course not. He wasn't using Olivia to…to…_say it, say it you fool!…_get over Jenny. He wasn't.

Rupert clenched is hands, feeling angry. Angry for what he had just done, angry for not being able to stop his thoughts of Jenny, angry at the fact that Jenny was gone and she was never coming back, and angry at how no matter how he tried, he couldn't get over her. _Damnit Rupert._ He thought. _It's been so long…why can't you just let it go?_

But he knew why. He had loved her, that was why.

Rupert quickly left the darkened room, and made his way to the kitchen blindly, finally putting on a light once he had gotten there. He put on the kettle for tea, then, thinking the better of it, headed for the liquor again.

Rupert sighed, and sat himself down on his couch, taking a swig straight from the bottle. _To Hell with it all._ He thought, and let himself go to a place where he hadn't allowed himself to go for two years…to Jenny.

Allowing himself to think of her was a big step for him. At first, he didn't even know what to think, he had been repressing all thoughts of her for as long as she had been dead. So, he closed his eyes, and tried to think of what she looked like perfectly in his mind.

It wasn't hard. Before long, he had a perfect picture of her, smiling in that way she had, that teasing, taunting smile that had always gotten to him. Always made him go crazy with frustration and amusement. That smile that had caught his heart and made him love her.

He thought of the time they had spent together. The few dates they had gone on, the looks they had exchanged, the kisses he had given her…

It hurt to think of her. It was like a sharp knife cutting him in the chest. He couldn't breath. He started to shake with silent sobs, and then they turned into real ones, and he was crying. Crying over Jenny, crying over what he had lost, what they both had lost, and what could have been. Crying for the fact that she was dead because of him. Because she had tried to help them all. If she had never tried to get the spell, then she might still be alive…

Rupert took a deep breath, and tried to get himself under control. This was new to him. He had never let himself go before, never really let himself cry for Jenny. At the time when it had happened, he had had to be strong for the others, for the children. A monster was on the loose, and they were scared, because now someone had died. He had been scared too, but he couldn't have let it show. They had been counting on him to stay strong, and tell them what to do, and how to solve the problem. In a way, Rupert wished they still looked at him like that. He had started to feel a little unneeded in the past couple of months. It was hard, the transition was, from being Watcher to being…no one. 

Rupert shook his head and stood up. He wouldn't, he couldn't think anymore that night. He quickly turned off the lights in the flat and made his way back into the bedroom. He pulled off his pants and climbed back into bed gently, pulling the covers over him.

Olivia turned over, and opened her eyes, smiling softly. "Where did you go?" She whispered to him in the dark, placing her hand on his chest.

Rupert tried to smile back best he could, hoping she didn't notice his red and puffy eyes in the darkness. "To get a drink." He whispered back. He did not tell her what kind of drink he had gotten.

"Ah." Olivia said, snuggling up against him, running her hand up and down his chest. She turned her head and looked up at him for a moment. "Rupert?" She asked hesitantly.

"Mmm?"

"What are you thinking?"

He was silent a moment, reflecting over the past…over what could have been, what should have been. _Ah, Jenny. Forgive me._ "Nothing." He answered, leaning his head back onto the pillow and closing his eyes.

   [1]: mailto:dreamscape@rols1.net



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